Of epiphanies and phrasal verbs

"I'm fine", says Drew. So I am.

I asked her to lend me her book. She told me it wasn't the proper moment 'cause I was bouncing back and her book was only for those sad moments in which you decide to plunge. 

I couldn't remember the meaning of that phrasal verb so she gently explained it. And then there was the epiphany: I've realized that I've been sad for so long and struggling to be happy again.

I have been hiding my true feelings, overworking, being always busy. Well, I've been really busy, but my tasks and activities may have been the perfect excuse not to think about what I feel. Or maybe to make me deal with pain in a different way. 

And were my feelings worthy? Not really. I do believe it's better to work and to be useful. It's more interesting to make things happen than to cry... Over the spilt milk? Not really.  I did what I could - as usual. I think I've only choosen a differente way to deal with all these things that hurt me so deeply.

All of a sudden, I've realized the sorrow and pain swept under the carpet. My carpet. My calm despair. My blind rationality. My raw sefl-control. Little by little, I've been facing them, trying not to believe that some things will be like this forever. 'Cause life changes, right? And I've been changing with life, right? So I am fine.

'Cause this time I haven't exposed the ugliness I've faced. This time, I decided to be happy. Happiness is a matter of choice. Now I can say and see what I do want - so badly. What I wish the most - and what I just can't share with anyone else but myself. That's life. That's how it goes.

The best part is getting to know a little bit more of me and knowing that I'm bouncing back, instead of trying to control everything which is beyond my control. I just need to give me more chances.

Listening to Precious (Depeche mode)